What If…

Circa 2021. 30/08/2021

Sometimes I wonder how God sees me…

I think of some of the interviews I have had in the past and how the words “unfortunately”, “try again” blurred the other lines of text in the email. At a point in my life, rejection mails used to ruffle my career self-esteem. All that echoed in my head was ‘not good enough’ in Arial bold. As someone who has a healthy self esteem in other aspects of my life because I somehow have a proper hold on who I am as an individual and never struggled with peer pressure; I had to find a way to let the esteems of my different selves – Oyin the Christian, Oyin the creative, Oyin the professional, Oyin the foodie, Oyin the enjoyment minister, Oyin the lover of the fine things of life, Oyin of the Kredol family, Oyin her Royal Stylist – blend. You can’t exactly be a ‘war, a lion’ as all the other Oyins and be a stutterer as “My name is Oyinloluwa Akeredolu, Kindly find attached my CV for your perusal”. I had to be a baddie all-round or at least pretend to be. So, to absolve myself from how rejections really made me feel, I tried not to prepare so much so I can blame the outcome on my unpreparedness or insert some occasional “I don’t care” lingua to make the hard landing email a little softer for my heart. (A Baddie turned softie).

Still on how weird I am and how I process things, I think in unbelievable directions. In my mind, for humans that are so flawed to deem me ‘unfit’ for a role, how then does the most perfect being see me? – You think I am reaching yeah? Well, it be like that sometimes. 

Say heaven was the dream job and the HR personnel was Angel Michael… or my Grandma. God bless her soul. Pretty sure she would have worked her way up to the Board of Directors. God’s side. She had such a presence.

“Next candidate”: Oyin…

Oyin who has never shown any symptom of a stutter: *stutters*

My lowly self, trying to feel confident and talk about myself. A question I have gotten quite familiar with. But this time it is before the one who sees my heart and knows the end from the beginning.

The one who hears my thoughts, knows every of my motives, actions, inactions. The one who has the earth as His footstool! The One who wraps himself in light as with a garment and stretches out the heavens like a tent. The One who knew me before forming me…

Omo the list is endless, let me just show myself out, the way I came in…

On second thought,

What if God sees me as a friend whom he bet on? What if he is gassing me up constantly and saying ‘you got this child!’ Go on and conquer! ‘As far as your eyes can see!’ ‘You are more than a conqueror’? What if He is telling me not be afraid but to come boldly before Him?

Don’t mind me, just some hormonal imbalance on my way to work.

As you were…